


More Than Words Can Wield the Matter

by alexcat



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-22
Updated: 2016-04-22
Packaged: 2018-06-03 20:01:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6624277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexcat/pseuds/alexcat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Obi-Wan Kenobi has a secret love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	More Than Words Can Wield the Matter

**Author's Note:**

  * For [anaraine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/anaraine/gifts).



> _“I love you more than words can wield the matter, Dearer than eyesight, space and liberty”_ ~ Shakespeare, King Lear

Obi-Wan Kenobi was in love. 

He looked in the mirror. He looked just like he had before he decided that he was so afflicted. Perhaps no one would notice the difference, Perhaps his _master_ would not notice. 

As if summoned by the thought, Qui-Gon Jinn appeared in the doorway of the small room they shared in the Jedi Temple. 

“Come, Obi-Wan. We are late for dinner. I’m in enough trouble with Master Yoda as it is,” Qui-Gon Jinn said. Obi-Wan wordlessly followed his master. Dinner with the Jedi was an austere affair for the Jedi did not indulge in rich food or drink, nor did they surround themselves with luxury. They considered their lives as a calling to a higher order and lived thusly. 

Obi-Wan ate hungrily as he kept his eyes on his master. Since he’d grown from a boy to a man here in the Temple, there never seemed to be enough food to fill him up. Sometimes, his master slipped extra bread into his robes and gave it to his padawan later. 

Yoda regaled them with stories of the Jedi of legend, of Nomi Sunrider and her fight against the Sith. Obi-Wan never tired of these tales. He had no family of his own, having come to the temple as a baby, so he considered the great Jedi of history to be his own family, his ancient aunts and uncles, as it were. He was proud to be a part of that heritage. 

After dinner, Qui-Gon asked him to take a walk. 

“We are soon to leave the Temple and go to Alderaan. We are to meet with Bail Organa and help him with some Republic business.”

“I like Organa. He is a good man,” Obi-Wan said. The young politician and his royal wife had always been kind to him and to his master. He never minded going to the beautiful little planet at all. It always looked like a blue jewel when they flew there. 

*

Later, in his bed, Obi-Wan closed his eyes and imagined his beloved, imagined kissing him, touching him in ways he’d never touched anyone. He never did let his imaginings get very far though. 

Would his beloved laugh at him? 

He forced himself to go to sleep, telling himself that it did not matter. A Jedi had no time for love. 

*

Bail Organa was glad to welcome his Jedi friends and invited them to his table for a wonderful dinner, full of treats that the Jedi never had. Obi-Wan ate more than he needed but perhaps less than he wanted before dessert was served, and they all talked politics long into the night. Bail believed in freedom for all peoples and he was becoming alarmed at some of the new policies of the Republic and at some of the men who were now running the Republic. He thought they needed new blood and was excited at the prospect of being the senator from Alderaan.

Obi-Wan thought Organa serving in the governing body was a wonderful idea. Organa was a good leader on his own planet and would perhaps make a good chancellor someday. 

Obi-Wan excused himself and went to bed long before his master did and awakened when the older Jedi came to bed. 

“It’s only me, Obi-Wan. I’m sorry I am so late. I meant to talk to you. You seem so troubled lately. Is there something I can help you with?” 

Obi-Wan didn’t say anything for quite a while then he spoke quietly. “Have you ever been in love?”

“I have. Twice.”

“What happened?”

“They died.” 

Obi-Wan stopped talking. What could he say? He was horrified that he’d asked such a question in the first place. 

“It was still worth it,” Qui-Gon said as he pulled down the covers on his bed. “It was all worth it.” 

*

The next few days were busy with meetings. When they did have some spare time, they trained. Queen Breha loved watching their light sabre drills and Bail even tried his hand with Obi-Wan’s weapon. Obi-Wan actually relaxed a little and smiled once or twice. The Queen was a gracious as her husband and both Jedi were treated as family. 

They would be leaving soon to carry sealed messages to several other planets on behalf of Bail Organa. Obi-Wan did not know what was in the messages but he suspected that his master did. He knew that it was Master Yoda’s wish that they serve Bail Organa so he was glad to be able to do so. 

After a week on Alderaan, they left for a small planet named Ryloth, home to the Twi’lek, a people who were friendly with the Jedi and Bail Organa. They were delivering some small technical parts for the fine hyperdrive engines that the Twi’lek built. And a sealed packet of information. 

Obi-Wan was practicing flying the ship they flew, an old YT-1300 light freighter that looked like it had seen much better days. Inside the worn outer shell was a state of the art ship with up to date weapons and sensors. Obi-Wan was getting very good at piloting and he enjoyed it tremendously. 

“So, my padawan, who is that you are in love with?” Qui-Gon’s question came out of nowhere. 

Oni-Wan almost swallowed his tongue. He tried to answer but his mouth was too dry for words to come out. 

Qui-Gon Jinn seemed not to notice. “My first love was another padawan. Her name was Tanda VanMeer. She was beautiful and a very strong Jedi. She didn’t notice me for a very long time. Then she, her Master, me and mine were sent on a mission together. We fought side by side and she finally saw me.”

“What happened?” 

“We fell in love and kept our love secret for a time. When Master Yoda found out, he separated us. She was sent on a mission and was killed when her ship was sabotaged by spice smugglers.”

“That is sad, Master.”

“You forget the Living Force. She is still there, alive in the Force. We will see one another again in person someday.” 

“Do you really believe that?” Obi-Wan sometimes thought Qui-Gon’s ideas were a little out there, a little off the normal Jedi path. 

“Oh, yes. The Force is all around, my boy, in everything we see. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together."*

Obi-Wan wanted to tell him that it was him, Qui-Gon Jinn, that he loved. He said nothing, turning his attention back to the controls instead. It would wait. 

“So who is it?” The question surprised Obi-Wan. He’d hoped his master would let it go.

“Who said I was in love?” He knew his voice sounded funny but he had no idea what to do about it other than hope his master did not notice. 

Qui-Gon simply smiled and shifted his attention back to co-piloting the ship. “I think _you’ve_ said you were in love. Otherwise, why so many questions?”

Obi-Wan stayed quiet, his master let it go finally. 

Ryloth was not a hospitable planet at all even though they were friends of Organa and the Jedi Council. The terrain was rough and many of the people suspicious, especially of two humans in an old freighter. They were allowed to land, but the natives eyed them with distrust. It was fortunate that they did have hyperdrive engine parts to unload here. Their contact was an officer at the spaceport, named Nawar’a Dira. He would make contact with them, or that was the plan. 

Plans never work perfectly… or at all sometimes. A bad tempered Twi’lek patrol swept them up and took them to a holding cell, saying they looked like spies to him. 

They cooled their heels for two days in the damp, dirty cell. 

Qui-Gon seemed as happy as he did at the Jedi Temple. He meditated, practiced hand to hand combat maneuvers and slept. They both still had their lightsabers, even though they dared not get them out. So far, the Twi’leks showed no interest in them.

“Aren’t you afraid in here?” Obi-Wan asked him. 

“A Jedi learns to control his fear. There is no strength in fear. I use my time to calm myself, to let the Living Force flow through me all the time.”

Obi-Wan hid his smile. Coming from anyone else, those words might sound silly, but Qui-Gon passionately believed in what he said and Obi-Wan saw more to admire in his master than anyone else anywhere. 

And more to love. 

Late in second day, Nawar’a Dira got them released, taking them to their ship and retrieving the packet Organa had sent him as well as the load of hyperdrive parts. 

“You should leave now, before they turn their attention back to you. Thank Organa for his help. I hope I can repay him someday.” 

They took off, heading back to Coruscant and the Jedi Academy. Obi-Wan decided to tell his master. Time was too short to wait any longer. As soon as they got home, he would tell him. 

As soon as they got back, the Jedi Council wanted to meet and debrief them on their trip. Obi-Wan would tell him after the meeting. 

As soon as they were seated at the Council Meeting, Master Yoda spoke. “Time, we have not much. Sending you both to Naboo. Blockading the planet the Trade Federation is. Need to fix this before it worsens into a bigger problem.”

Another master spoke up. “We are sending the two of you on this mission. You will leave as soon as another ship can be fueled and readied.

Obi-Wan would talk to his master when they got back from Naboo.

*

Years later, when all he had time to do was think, Obi-Wan thought of his master and his unconfessed love for him. Would his life have been different? Perhaps, perhaps not. Of all the people he’d lost in his life, Qui-Gon Jinn had hurt the most. 

He stood. Well, it was time to dwell on something else. He’d seen Anakin's and Padme’s son out riding a land speeder the other day. The boy was all grown up and soon, somehow, they would talk about the boy’s parents. 

It had begun.

**Author's Note:**

> * Part of this is a quote from Obi-Wan to Luke Skywalker in Star Wars: A New Hope.


End file.
